Dedication: To Daniel Edwin Miller, November 5, 1958 – October 10, 2021
My companion, confidant, comfort, cohort, consort, counsel, comrade, and co-contender in our faith, written by Renee Miller.
INTRODUCTION
When the SOUL begins to search within the BRAIN…searching every tiny receptor for a minute stimulus which may resemble what has become absent…this is the neurological phenomenon more commonly known as “loneliness.”
Soul Searching
His digitally recorded voice momentarily soothes a HEART’S longing for a lost loved, one but does little to quell the searching reflex; the endless quest of the SOUL to locate a single neuron that has received the familiar bit of stimuli for which it’s so desperately searching.
With each passing day in this “Shadow of Death,” the Soul becomes increasingly frantic in its search into the BRAIN attempting to find what’s been so suddenly lost. This search, “Loneliness,” increases in intensity, frequency, and duration; causing a disruption of MIND, HEART, and SPIRIT.
Left to process on its own, the SOUL begins to ache, and the SPIRIT begins to weaken. Without Divine intervention the SOUL becomes sickened, and health diminishes. Consumed within this darkest of personal tribulation the SOUL can be comforted, restored, and brought to peace. Having “the MIND of Christ” brings peace and is available to those who, in prayer to Abba, vulnerably expose their intimate turmoil.
Within this journal, prayers and poems are recorded as the private offerings which were heard and answered by my Elohim, Yahweh. These are shared in the hope that others may find that the “Might” who walks with us “through the Valley of the Shadow of Death” is our Loving Creator: He did not create us to die, nor does he cause it. Rather he can become our strength and comfort through the “Shadow” known as “Grief.”
October 2021 Entries
You Became My Might
Coming to a resolve that henceforth my life path had become, in its entirety, stone-paved along an unfamiliar route, by an individual so profoundly unique he will never die in my heart, the suffocating “Shadow of Death” choked words of despair from my soul and were carried to Abba for his immediate attention. He alone became my “Might.” Praise Yah!
Abba, heavenly Father, my heart aches, and my soul is suffocating. Please send one of your most faithful servants to comfort me. My prayers are groanings now Abba, so please help me.
Abba, Father, thank you for the Helper, sent to bear my burden; such a beautiful and loving gift blesses my soul with peace. I can breathe deeply without pain of grief: I can sleep a refreshing rest. My dear Father, your mercy is complete and undeserved. Thank you for hearing my desperate plea.
Abba, I was so eager to ease his pain, to offer an elixir or cool towel across his eyes; to see his peaceful rest from the agony within him, then solemnly welcome the birth of his final rest.
Overtaken By Grief
Then the great torrent and tribulation overtook me. A wail as never have before. The horrid mourn of love lost too soon; my heart aching – as the hand within mine growing cold.
No breath is heard, no rise of his soft pillow chest. Never so still have I ever seen. Frozen in time – My Sweet Danny Boy now gone. A pleading beg, “Please safeguard his Spirit until we, with you, are one. I cry out to Abba, “Please help me!” His only answer, “I AM here.” For a fleeting moment a Peace comes to sit. Another day is accomplished without him.
No longer wanting these days granted me, living our life we built together as one I don’t want this “Life” – this was “Our Life,” meant to be shared with each other It’s unbearable being here without him. Must I stay? Can I not come too? Where are his arms reaching for me? Where is his touch? I am cut in two I am bleeding for you, Please Abba, make this pain stop!
Abba, I once asked you to close my heart until the one man I needed was in front of me and then open my heart to love him undeniably. You made that happen when I met Danny. He filled my Life with a Joy I have never known. He drew love from the deepest pit of my soul. He filled my days with his happy laugh and bright shining smile and brought me back from lost. He was my loving and forgiving head who helped me to know you intimately. Danny is in your memory place now and I need all of who you made him to be. You gave him to me for 12 very short years.
I feel so betrayed, Father. I gave all my earthly life to Danny. I loved him completely and never looked to anyone or anything else. HE completed me, just as you designed. I feel a great injustice has been allowed and I am so hurt and grieved that he is not here with me. I ask you please, Father, to correct this injustice. Please expedite the rectifying of this wrong. Danny was a beautiful Soul – whom I so dearly loved. I need your help to continue to live this life without him. Only you can help me, father. Please hear my prayer, Abba, and through Yeshua, your son, I beg you, please Abba, give me peace, comfort, and relief. I need your mercy, Father. In Yeshua’s name, please help me Father.
November 2021 Entries
Until We Rise
In quiet moment of early dawn, no moon or sun to see, a glow of fire warms my heart, your helper here with me. Giving comfort, truth and love; as Yeshua said he would, to guide us in a darkened hour, having light to see the good.
Be with me Father: Look not upon my sin; whether of my parents’ choice (the one born within,) Or be it of my weakness (whether helpless or unkind,) Cover my “multitude” until I rise.
For Christ will come with the blast of Seventh Trumpet’s call! Gathering his precious family, ONE AND ALL! He’ll raise those who were first to sleep and with us yet alive, be with us Father until we rise.
Here I Stay (a lament of grief and hope)
By the path he walked each morning, Here I stay to watch the sun, rising higher in the meadow, Where so much of his work was done. Here I sit beside his table, Where he once sat here with me, empty space closing in around me, Silence Loud, I call his name.
Fire warms the cold inside me, In our home. His building done. Here I stay, alone and wondering, How to live now that he’s gone? Every morning he’d walk with Jesus, Every day he’d live for Yah. His path, now grown over, Once was cleared where his feet would trod.
How can death so overtake him? How can life end so soon? When he was here, HE WAS HERE. That was just moments ago. Full of life, full of love and laughter, Full of hope for eternity. His heart full of all You promised, And the blessing of your Peace.
Now I sit alone with Jesus, without him here to pray with me. Asking Yah what now will happen, to our home and family? Waking early to pray each morning, for the strength to live alone. For your mercy in my sorrow, In this shadow I bear alone.
Send your angels to surround me, end the rivers of my tears, grant the peace that will console me, Begging Yah, “Hear my Plea.”
Wanting so much to be with him, Held within his long embrace. Listening to whispered wisdom, Spoken softly, my heart to grace. Waiting for the sound of trumpets, Waiting for the dead to rise. So wanting to embrace him, In that illusive paradise.
You’ll bring him back through Jesus, My heart filled with joy again. Have us live a life of blessing, No more sorrows, no more tears. Waiting on the Rapture, When death ends and “New Day” dawns. My dearest will be with me, He will stay. He will stay!
December 2021 Entries
Abba, heavenly Father, I ask you to help me see the potential, to make peace with probabilities and to create more possibilities. While Danny’s gone my heart is only half “in” the other half sleeps with Danny, waiting for his next breath. So, I’m still lying here with my thoughts, like so many of our mornings, just thinking, praying, planning, and waiting for him to wake up and join me.
February 2022 Entries
He Taught Me
The sun came up again, but it’s not the day of his rising. I started the fire the way he taught me, orange embers warm my floors and walls. The ones he built and left here sturdy. Everything around me is what he left for me. Every nail, hinge, screw, light, shelf, hook, board. His fingerprint is on each inch, foot, yard. Sheltering me from everything except his absence.
He provided so well for me, my loving Head. He thought of all the details to make me smile. My comfort and my peace were placed around me. So, I sit and pray and remember him for a while. The hurt is fading; flowing tears are now mere wells. I remember your pain less and your laughter more. But I miss your hand in mine. And his warm legs next to mine through the night. He will forever be in my heart, My Sweet Danny.
Always so full of affection and tenderness, my steps are without his, but I walk with Christ, as he taught me, and I know Christ carries us both.